The “Adult Child” Dilemma: When Will He Step Up?
- Steph Cole
- Dec 22, 2024
- 4 min read
We love them dearly, but let’s be honest—there are moments when it feels like your husband, fresh off deployment or training, has swapped one battlefield for another: your home. The guy who leads with precision in the field suddenly can’t remember where the dishwasher is or why bedtime routines aren’t optional. Instead of stepping in as a partner, he’s channeling his inner teenager, leaving you juggling the responsibilities of a partner and a parent.
And while we understand that reintegration is a process, let’s call it what it is: frustrating. You’ve spent months holding down the fort, running a household, and raising kids, often solo. So, when he returns home, you’re ready for support, not another “child” to manage.
Let’s dive into why this dynamic happens, why it’s okay to feel frustrated, and how we can move from imbalance to partnership in a way that works for both of you.
Why Does This Dynamic Happen?
If you’ve ever wondered why your spouse seems to go from tactical leader to clueless roommate the moment he walks through the door, you’re not alone. The “adult child” dilemma isn’t uncommon, and it often stems from a combination of factors:
Decompression and Burnout
After months of high-pressure missions and intense schedules, your husband may come home in desperate need of rest. The problem? His downtime often comes at the expense of your mental and physical exhaustion.
Shifting Roles and Expectations
In his absence, you’ve taken on everything. From managing the kids to running the household, you’ve filled every gap. When he returns, it can be hard for both of you to shift gears and reestablish shared roles.
Emotional Avoidance
Many SOF operators struggle to connect emotionally after being in environments where vulnerability is a liability. This disconnection can make it hard for them to step into the emotional labor of family life.
A Lack of Awareness
Simply put, he may not realize the depth of your exhaustion or how much you’ve taken on while he’s been gone. Without open communication, he might assume that you’ve “got it” and don’t need help.
Why It’s Okay to Feel Frustrated
Let’s be real—there’s only so much patience you can have when you’re managing the kids, the house, and your own emotional load, only to find your spouse treating home like a hotel. Feeling frustrated doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful for his service or unaware of the challenges he faces. It means you’re human.
It’s okay to want:
A partner who shares the workload.
A father who’s present and engaged with the kids.
A spouse who recognizes and values the effort you’ve put in while he’s been away.
Acknowledging these feelings isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for creating a balanced, healthy relationship.
How to Approach the “Adult Child” Phase with Patience and Action
While it’s tempting to let your frustration boil over, addressing this dynamic requires a mix of honesty, patience, and proactive solutions. Here’s how:
Communicate Your Needs Clearly: Your spouse can’t read your mind, and after months of operating in a different world, he may genuinely not see the gaps he’s leaving.
Be Direct: Use “I” statements to express how you’re feeling without placing blame. For example: “I’ve been carrying a lot while you were gone, and I need us to work together now that you’re home.”
Spell It Out: If you need him to take on specific tasks, don’t assume he knows—ask directly.
Ease Him Into Family Life
Transitioning from a high-stakes mission to bedtime routines isn’t easy. Help him reconnect with family life in small, manageable ways:
Start Simple: Ask him to handle one part of the day, like breakfast or bath time.
Encourage Connection: Suggest activities that allow him to bond with the kids, like reading a book together or taking them to the park.
Set Boundaries for Rest and Responsibility
While your spouse may need time to decompress, that doesn’t mean all responsibilities should fall on you.
Agree on Balance: Work together to create a plan that allows him downtime while ensuring you’re supported.
Prioritize Together: Decide on shared goals for the household and family, so you’re both on the same page.
Seek Outside Support
Sometimes, the “adult child” phase is a symptom of deeper issues, like unresolved stress or emotional disconnection. In these cases, seeking help from a counselor or SOF support network can make a big difference.
When Will He Step Up?
The short answer: when you give him the tools and space to do so. Reintegration isn’t just about him coming home—it’s about rebuilding a partnership that works for both of you. That means having honest conversations, sharing responsibilities, and giving yourselves grace as you navigate this transition together.
A Reminder for 2025: You Deserve Partnership
As we move into a new year, let’s set the expectation for shared effort and mutual support. You’ve carried the load in 2024, but you don’t have to do it alone in 2025. By addressing the “adult child” dynamic head-on, you’re not just advocating for yourself—you’re strengthening your family and your relationship.
Because while he’s a hero in the field, he can also be a hero at home. And together, you’re unstoppable.
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